Again

Again, here I am
I'm sorry for falling again
Fell into my bad habit
and my fleshly desires

I actually don't know what to say
Nor do I know what to feel
"I'm Sorry" is probably all that I've got
And wondered whether I could run back into your arms still

Why do I keep doing
what I ought not to do?
Why haven't I learned
From my past mistakes?

Search me, O God,
You know my heart,
It is tainted and unclean
Would You purify me once again?

Will you dance with me again?
Will you continue to lead my every step?
Will you hold me close to You
and never let me go?

Help me,
Live as honestly as I can with You
Knowing that there's nothing
I can hide from You

Why do I desire
To be loved by others apart from You?
Why do I desire
to receive touch from others
Rather tha to be touched by You?

You are my hope, O God
My only hope
The only One who can wipe me clean again
and lift me up from all my inequities

You are my strength
My strength to keep standing again
and keeps me runing back
into Your arms

~3rd Oct 2010

To Make You Love Me

I finally realised that there is nothing that I can do
To make You love me less or more

There is nothing I can do to make you love me
Because You either do or don't
But You chose to love me

Despite of my weaknesses, mistakes and flaws
Despite of my pride and ego
Despite of my past, fears and pain

I've tried to make others love me
By doing the things they want and loved
By pleasing them in every way I can

Then, I realised,
I am not truly accepted
Through what I do or say to them

But I am accepted because
You made a way for me
To accept me as I am
Through sacrificing Yourself

I now can be accepted
As I am
Just because I am
Who I am in You and with You

Simple because...
I am loved by You.

Definition of Me

I am not gonna allow my past to define who I am...
I am not gonna allow experiences define who I am...
I am not gonna allow what others say about me define who I am...

I will only allow God to define this girl whom He has made

He created me and He knows my inmost being (Ps 139:13)

He knows my every thought (Ps 139:2, Luke 16:15) and my every deed (Col 3:17)

He knows my heart (Ps 139:23) and my secret place (Ps 139:15)

He knows my one desire (Ps 27:4)

He knows who I am (Ps 139:1)

Simply because He made me His (Isa 44:5; 1 Peter 2:9)

Losing & Giving Up

Feeling lost and insecure

Realising that I have let go of not only one

But two or three closest persons

I held close to my heart.

I don’t want to be selfish anymore.

I don’t want to hold back what’s not mine.

I will give and entrust what is due to Him.

I realised I can’t hold any of them back.

I realised that whatever I do with my own strength and hands will fail.

I realised that I can neither stop anyone from leaving.

Nor should I try to keep pushing away the things I care the most.

Goodbye.... to all of you

And goodbye to myself,

The girl who try so hard to have it all

Who tries to possess what’s close to her

And what she thought was hers

I am now giving it all back to Him

And let Him make the choice

I surrender my friendships and relationships

To Him who deserves to be the Lord over these areas of my life

It hurts not knowing what will happen from now on

It hurts not knowing what I can have by my side anymore

It hurts not knowing what I can keep close to me

It hurts not knowing what is in my control

But I pray O God, that Your grace and mercy

Your love for me will be enough

To get me through each day

With each losses,

Help me see that I have something more to gain

Because each one has and will

Bring me closer to You.

I am loved + called His beloved

"You are loved because I love you"
"You are called my beloved because you are mine"
"Not because someone else said so..."
"but because I said so"

Thank You... God.

Where I Can See You Face to Face

Lord, help me to push through...
Push through this journey and walk with You
This passion from within
Let it overflow with abundance
In and out of my life

Move me from where I am
Open my eyes and heart
Free me from the captivity of my own mind
and from the evil one
who taunts me day and night
Free up my spirit to worship You
In total surrender

Open the floodgates of heaven
Let us see Your glory
and Your Name being lifted high
Let us behold Your love
Behold Your Beauty
Behold Your Face, Oh God

Dance over us and with us
Let us be amazed by Your love once again
Let us hear Your heartbeat,
Each and everyone of them
Over our lives

Come.. come and reveal more of You
More of You and less of us
Rid us from ourselves
and so that we can have more of You

Quieten down our soul, Oh God
So that we can hear Your gentle whispers
Let Your glory befall upon us
The heaviness of Your Love

Let us fall deeper
Deeper in love with You... once again.
Let ME fall head over heels over You
So that the only ONE that I want
and need.. really is You.

Who's knocking on your door?

You know how certain regrets from your past keeps banging on your door? I used to welcome them and invite them in.. and dwell amongst them. Which will make me feel depressed and unworthy of living. When I finally realised they are not helpful at all, I shut the door and shout back "go away!" or just lock it up, hoping they'll give up. Hoping that they'll stop banging the door ever again. However, days later.. you hear the door banging again. It's as if a stampede of wild angry animals are trying to make their way into my heart and mind. Who are we inviting into our hearts and minds? Do we often invite our pasts, to dwell in us again and again.
These would then lead to guilt, sympathy for ourselves, shame, unworthiness. Why not invite Jesus who could bring reconciliation to our broken hearts? For some reason, when we are so used to opening doors to these things in our lives, that we tend to shut out everything else that is GOOD that/who knocks on our doors. We are really so addicted to the attachment we have with the past and would rather dwell in them, than to figure out what could be done in the present and what we could look forward to in the future - freedom from condemnation. What are we holding on to? Think about what are the stuff we bring into ourselves that affects us the most? What dominates our hearts and minds?

We often really allow the enemy poke us around and play us like we're puppets - useless and powerless. We need to know that there is a Saviour who have already done something to set us free from these bondage of slavery. He already did that by dying on the cross for you and me. Dealing with your past is a hard tedious process however, dealing it with God - brings peace, reconciliation, joy and really knowing that He is God - that He could do anything to bring us through it.

Well, I know that I can't do it on my own.
I want to know how really God sees me, instead of having my regrets and past tells me how I was like (ie. a messed up failure).

I want to be able to recognise that gentle knock on the door - knowing that it comes from Him. Knowing that it is safe to bring Him in and that He is not out there to get me or trample over me, but that He yearns to bring love, reconciliation and peace in me.

The season is changing - Are you ready for it?

It's coming to the end of a season - more specifically Autumn here in Australia... and a next season is arriving - WINTER.

Similarly, there are seasons we go through - in our personal lives, in our families circumstances, in our learning environments, in wherever we're working at or whoever we are working with, in our churches, ministries and spiritual calling or growth...

Seasons come and seasons go...
It may be a cycle, but when we learn to fully appreciate the changes of each season and embrace these changes for ourselves - we will realise that these changes can be beautiful and wonderful, especially when it comes from the Creator Himself.

Changes are hard to follow. Different seasons may come earlier or later than expected. But are we ready for the changes that is to come? Have we prepared ourselves for the change of the next season?

I want to prepare myself for these changes. I want to be blown away by the changes He has in mind for us - may it be new experiences (or simple experiences in which I was not able to fully appreciated before), new rhythms played in life, new formed relationship (or rather renewed ones), or the use of new skills, abilities and talents (gifts from the Creator which we have not been utilising)... or new understanding and revelation of what is real and true, or rather who is the the Truth.

These are all really nothing new to our God... but to us, it may be the birth of something new - especially when we have not fully grasp or really owned up to what we are made to do or how we are meant to live - citizens of His Kingdom, His very own children.